A World Of Difference

Some writers have one story at a time going through their heads. They focus on that particular idea and produce a manuscript within a few months or even a few weeks. The first draft anyway. That’s pretty cool. That’s efficient. Productive.

I thought I was like that but I am not. Yikes.

The thing is I am the kind of writer with ten ideas going through his mind at a time. Every idea has its own story, its own universe, its own purpose. And more often than not,

I am pulled in each direction with equal force which sometimes means I am frozen in place.

Well, which idea do I go with? After all, I need to be efficient and use my time wisely so I can produce a manuscript that will get attention. Right?

That mindset is kind of fucked. I am all about mindset these days it seems. It’s funny to think that the way you think about something can alter your approach so much. I used to think I had to be very careful with which idea to go with as I didn’t want to miss the boat of what would be the next thing publishers want to look at. Wouldn’t it be fucking awful to produce a manuscript and be told, “Hey, you should’ve submitted this last year, we were all over this shit. Now, we moved on to [insert current trend].”

I missed out?!

It used to be a fear that governed what I wrote. Or rather, which idea I would follow. And maybe that’s why I ended up procrastinating a lot. Even though the idea did interest me, there was probably another one simmering away in my mind that spoke to me much more in that moment.

But hey, I don’t wanna miss the proverbial boat so I’ll just keep that appealing idea on the back burner and focus on what I think publishers want me to write.

Now, I have changed my mindset on this stuff. I know what it’s like to write something that speaks to you in the moment. That idea that makes you get up at 5 in the morning and hit the keyboard like there’s no tomorrow. And I also know what it’s like to hang on to an idea that isn’t really clicking just because you think that’s the one to follow. There’s a world of difference between them. Yes, those two ideas mean something to me, but one should definitely be left cooking in the oven a bit longer. Forcing something to work does not mean it is going to work.

Why won’t you work?!

This is why I am listening to my gut a bit more. The current idea I have is probably a bit out there but I want to follow it. I want to explore what it means and figure it out. That’s exciting. That’s what makes writing so exciting to me. When you, the author, are genuinely excited to discover where the story takes you.

Hopefully you can also create that magical connection which makes readers dive without reserve into your book.

I have many ideas in my head and I can’t write them all at once. I’m not that multi-task efficient. I can produce videos and write at the same time, but writing several manuscripts at once? Nope. That I cannot do. I cannot just have one idea at a time in my head and I cannot write all of the ideas at once. It’s a messy situation but now it is an interesting mess to play with. Because listening to my gut feeling makes the sorting out of ideas more fun.

It’s all about how you see things. It truly makes a world of difference.

 

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The Way I Write

When I made the conscious decision to fully dive into writing, I did what I suppose many writers have done before me and what many writers will do in the future: I looked up various ways to write. I read about best-selling authors’ methods of writing and planning. I read my favourite author’s (Stephen King, if you didn’t know) opinion on writing methodology and I tried to find which one suited me best.

There are various ways to write. Let’s analyse them all!

Not once did I even think then that maybe, just maybe, there was another way. MY way. A way that only I can do and only I can achieve. Again, throughout my life I feel like common sense was often acknowledged but never applied. In other words:

I was a dum-dum about many many MANY things. Including the writing process.

So is this blog going to be about my writing process? Well, I’m going to share the way I write (after all, I assume most writers and readers enjoy hearing about this stuff, I know I do) but mostly this is about how I beat myself up in the most creative ways possible.

A visual representation of beating myself up

I knew I was going to be an artist because I felt it when I was a kid and I read my very first comic. I used to read the adventures of Donald Duck, Uncle Scrooge and Mickey Mouse. They were fucking awesome. I would anxiously wait for Saturday as it was the day my parents took us to the bookshop and buy us comic books or books, whichever we wanted.

One of my favourite comic book magazines ❤

I was more than a reader even then as I would grab blank pieces of paper and draw my own stories of these characters. Spoiler: I suck at drawing. I hated myself for not being good enough to draw. Yep, I started beating myself up as early as back then. Dum-Dum.

I eventually stopped drawing (I doodled on my school notebooks and stuff, but never tried to draw comics again) but I did not stop writing. I would write different things: made-up stories, fanfiction and TV Show scripts. I was creative in many aspects of my life. I would play with Lego and action figures but follow a storyline (no matter how basic). I remember an awesome moment when I had Shredder face off with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Shredder was about to be defeated but PLOT TWIST: Michelangelo betrays his brothers. Gasp!

It was a shit ton of fun.

As I grew older, I got better and better at putting myself down. I would repeat to myself day in and day out that I was not good enough. I screamed internally at myself that I was deluded if I thought I had any ounce of talent. I beat myself to a bloody pulp. I almost killed my creative self and resigned to never follow what my heart truly wanted.

Is this the end?

But then that part of me didn’t die. I got back on my feet and decided that being miserable was tiring. It was fucking exhausting. I still heard myself say:

You’re not good enough, but now I also thought: So, what?

It was a start. I began to listen to my bruised heart again. Nurtured him and allowed him to share what he wanted. It hadn’t changed since I was a kid: he wanted to be an artist. A storyteller. A writer.

It took a while but now, I don’t hear myself say: You’re not good enough. At least, not as often as I used to. Once I was able to stop belittling myself all the time, once I stopped beating myself up constantly, I realised what was my methodology of writing.

I make up stories and chase these moments that make me feel like a kid playing with his action figures. That’s the way I write.

It’s Okay To Be Selfish

It’s something I have just recently realised: it’s okay to be selfish.

Sounds awful, doesn’t it? Makes me seem like a prick who is more interested in his own self than anything else in the world. And you know what? Sometimes, that is perfectly fine.

I used to live my life thinking about how my decisions will affect this person or that person or even how it might not be the proper thing to do. Still, I managed to do things. But they were tepid, safe, unlike me at all.

I used to say to myself: shut up, you don’t matter. You shouldn’t think of yourself. Ever.

When I was a teenager, I did my best to not rock the boat with my friends. I was a confident boy but still would choose to avoid pissing people off if I could. When I think about it now, it makes me angry that I wasn’t more myself around my friends. Coulda, woulda, shoulda, I know.

My reaction now to how I was back then

But now? Now I want to bitch-slap myself into having more sense in my brain. I want to say to that uptight moron: Don’t belittle my desires. Don’t make me feel like shit for wanting something good for myself. I deserve to do what’s right for me.

Being an artist is selfish, apparently. At least, according to my old self. Well, I say, screw you old self, I am an artist and I am proud of it. You know why? Because it makes me want to sing from the fucking rooftops. I wake up everyday happy to be alive.

That’s not being selfish, that’s doing what is right for me.

I can see this in my head:

Took me long enough

You’d think common sense is well… common, right? Well, not for everybody. Especially me. I have a lot of common sense when I listen to people I care about and when they ask for my opinion on things. But when it comes to my own life? I always seem to forgo common sense and choose the beige option. Fuck that. I’m done with that sort of thinking.

Now, I choose what sparks a fire in my chest.

I have decided to apply this mindset to many other aspects of my life. I have gotten a better set-up for my Fortress of Solitude (that’s how I call my office). It was expensive and not the reasonable decision if I consider my artistic endeavours ‘selfish’.

And you know what? Screw it. I did what I did and I absolutely love my new set-up. Do you know how awesome it is to feel genuine excitement walking into my Fortress of Solitude? I now have a creative space that is me. When I stop to appreciate what’s around me, it gives me goosebumps. That’s an awesome feeling!

Feeling that child-like joy again!

This decision has led me to stop feeling guilty for spending most of my days writing or recording videos. It is a space I constantly want to be in. I am thriving in it.

It is these decisions, no matter how big or small, that contribute to how you approach life. I have decided that it is more than okay to listen to my heart and to fulfill my own desires, no matter how silly/stupid/unreasonable they may seem to others.

I love this new mindset and it makes me fucking happy.

Selfishly Unleashing My Creativity

 

 

 

You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

So, my computer died a couple of weeks ago and I finally got a new one sorted.

And it’s a beauty.

I often wondered why some people, especially guys, get so wrapped up in their cars and now I know. I’m the same, except with tech things like video game consoles and computers. No wonder one of my favourite super heroes is Iron Man.

Iron Man is damn cool! *_*

But anyway, I haven’t been able to properly dive into my writing groove. I had to use a shitty backup laptop that was slow as. It still did a decent enough job but I couldn’t use it to type over a long period of time.

aka my back-up laptop T.T

 

And now, here I am with KITT. Yes, I named my computer. He deserved a name. I did tell you how I now understand people and their love of cars, right? KITT is fast, powerful and runs things smooth.

A spiritual representation of my new computer ❤

Yet, I find it hard to write this. I almost want to give my keyboard a good bashing and walk away. Maybe there’s an interesting video on YouTube for me to watch or something.

Writing story ideas is not an issue, that I can do, no worries.

It is the letting go so I can write as honestly as possible that is giving me headaches. I thought I had let go before but it turns out that no, in fact, I really haven’t.

So, what’s my fucking issue? Why can’t I get it together and work my ass off towards succeeding as a writer? I want to write stories, I want to write blogs, I want to connect with readers and yet… I have remained still for almost two weeks.

How I feel sometimes >.<

Okay, truth be told, I have done stuff.

I have applied for something writer-related and I have been sorting out KITT. But still, I hadn’t written a single word of this blog. I had been putting it off for a while now. You know when I thought of writing this blog? Back when I was still honeymooning across France and Italy (side note: IT WAS THE BEST!). I kept putting it off and I didn’t know why until recently.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Let. It. Go.

I will spare you the Frozen meme. Saying it is easy (Let it go, let it gooooo… Dammit!) but applying the concept is another beast entirely. As I mentioned, I thought I had done that before. After all,

I am unashamedly myself around people and I am not afraid to share my thoughts even when it might mean people thinking less of me or thinking I’m an idiot.

But then I thought about it more.

I am like that with my friends, with my family, but with the world? No, I am not. In the previous blog posts that I have written I have only shared a piece of myself. The rest is carefully guarded. It’s almost like a belief that if I share only a little bit, I’ll be fine and totally safe. But it’s not true. I am not fine. I’m miserable. I feel like I can’t be myself as an author.

If I cannot share my thoughts and my feelings as an author, then what is the fucking point?

Here I am now. I am not going to hold back anymore. I am going to make it my main quest, the big one, the unavoidable one, to let everything go when I put words to paper (well, digital words to digital paper. You get what I mean!). Screw you, safety!

Time to let go

What should you expect from me in the coming weeks? Well, more blog posts. More YouTube-ing (I will go through a shake-up on there actually) and most importantly, more fucking writing. I have ideas, I need to explore them. I need to dig deep and rip out those feelings. Spread them all over pages and let them speak. Watch this space.

You ain’t seen nothing yet.

In the name of the Moon, I shall be true to myself