So, my computer died a couple of weeks ago and I finally got a new one sorted.
And it’s a beauty.
I often wondered why some people, especially guys, get so wrapped up in their cars and now I know. I’m the same, except with tech things like video game consoles and computers. No wonder one of my favourite super heroes is Iron Man.
But anyway, I haven’t been able to properly dive into my writing groove. I had to use a shitty backup laptop that was slow as. It still did a decent enough job but I couldn’t use it to type over a long period of time.
And now, here I am with KITT. Yes, I named my computer. He deserved a name. I did tell you how I now understand people and their love of cars, right? KITT is fast, powerful and runs things smooth.
Yet, I find it hard to write this. I almost want to give my keyboard a good bashing and walk away. Maybe there’s an interesting video on YouTube for me to watch or something.
Writing story ideas is not an issue, that I can do, no worries.
It is the letting go so I can write as honestly as possible that is giving me headaches. I thought I had let go before but it turns out that no, in fact, I really haven’t.
So, what’s my fucking issue? Why can’t I get it together and work my ass off towards succeeding as a writer? I want to write stories, I want to write blogs, I want to connect with readers and yet… I have remained still for almost two weeks.
Okay, truth be told, I have done stuff.
I have applied for something writer-related and I have been sorting out KITT. But still, I hadn’t written a single word of this blog. I had been putting it off for a while now. You know when I thought of writing this blog? Back when I was still honeymooning across France and Italy (side note: IT WAS THE BEST!). I kept putting it off and I didn’t know why until recently.
Let. It. Go.
I will spare you the Frozen meme. Saying it is easy (Let it go, let it gooooo… Dammit!) but applying the concept is another beast entirely. As I mentioned, I thought I had done that before. After all,
I am unashamedly myself around people and I am not afraid to share my thoughts even when it might mean people thinking less of me or thinking I’m an idiot.
But then I thought about it more.
I am like that with my friends, with my family, but with the world? No, I am not. In the previous blog posts that I have written I have only shared a piece of myself. The rest is carefully guarded. It’s almost like a belief that if I share only a little bit, I’ll be fine and totally safe. But it’s not true. I am not fine. I’m miserable. I feel like I can’t be myself as an author.
If I cannot share my thoughts and my feelings as an author, then what is the fucking point?
Here I am now. I am not going to hold back anymore. I am going to make it my main quest, the big one, the unavoidable one, to let everything go when I put words to paper (well, digital words to digital paper. You get what I mean!). Screw you, safety!
What should you expect from me in the coming weeks? Well, more blog posts. More YouTube-ing (I will go through a shake-up on there actually) and most importantly, more fucking writing. I have ideas, I need to explore them. I need to dig deep and rip out those feelings. Spread them all over pages and let them speak. Watch this space.
You ain’t seen nothing yet.